Sorry we missed you — Sam Burnett

I’m very lazy – I don’t know whether I’ve covered this before on here and frankly I can’t be bothered to check, but I should at some point. It extends to include (and indeed vastly eclipses) my emotions – I enjoy a studied ambivalence about most things, a sort of resting bitch soul, and very rarely hate anything.

So it should say a lot to you when I express my intense dislike for the we’ll-get-around-to-it-when-we-feel-like-it parcel delivery company Evri. It used to be called Hermes, but presumably the Greek government took out some kind of superinjunction, or it hoped if it changed the colour on the side of its vans we just wouldn’t notice it was the same thing. Sure, Hermes was the messenger of the gods, but he was also the protector of travellers, thieves and merchants.

I can’t tell you how many parcels over the years have arrived damaged, torn, sat on, wrecked, chucked, boiled, mashed or dropped in a stew. I would believe you if you told me that Evri warehouses had a lucrative side hustle where hen parties would come to the place as a rage room. I would believe you if you told me that the sole question on the Evri job application form was ‘Do you hate the entire world?’ I would believe you if you told me that there was a sponsorship deal in place where the England football team could pop into their local facility any time and use it for penalty practice. I would believe you if you told me that US trainee cops were brought over and used the places as part of their customer care training. I would believe you.

I also have an endless succession of images that Evri has emailed me over the years, subtle variations on a crotch shot half covered by a door, with a plaintive outstretched hand that says can you just give me the box already. I consider those messages a form of hate mail, which I thought would have been covered by the Communications Act 2003. Yet another of Evri’s egregious misdemeanours. It’s the sort of company where the ‘Sorry we missed you’ card has an unspoken rest of the sentence that goes something like ‘…we’ll work on our aim for next time’.

There are also a variety of ethical issues associated with the company, which it strenuously denies (obviously) but I’m too lazy to look into those. Oh well.