In which I'm anti-social media

I can’t believe that the kids are complaining at the prospect of a ban on social media. I’d love the likes of Instagram, Facebook and whatever Twitter is called these days to be taken forcibly off our hands. They all started off delightful and quickly degenerated into harmful nonsense, which I suppose is the problem when you open these things up to members of the public.

You could probably track quite exactly how pleasant it is to take part in any of these platforms, and my theory goes that it would be the same line of fun whether it was Threads or a wedding reception. As the government warning on something or other goes (drugs? Being leader of a political party?) – when the fun stops, stop.

If there’s one thing I should emulate the prime minister on, it’s that maybe I should get my WhatsApp messages to auto delete. Is there a way of doing it so that it’s five minutes after you received them, though? If anyone asks it’s for mental health.

Though one of the nice things about recent developments in online culture (eurgh, I just sicked in my mouth) is that we’re rediscovering how lovely it is to be offline.

I’m not quite ready to ditch my phone entirely (I was very ahead of my time back in 2009, though, when I ditched my Windows phone for a flip phone in an attempt to ‘de-tech’), but I’ve been enjoying stashing my phone somewhere in the house and reading lots of books this year.

My wife Laura has always been very good at balancing the demands of virtual and real life, perhaps I should be more like her – film camera, sewing machine and baking equipment at the ready.

The thing is, I need the internet because there’s no one left in real life who will actually listen to me. I don’t for one minute assume that anyone is particularly listening to me online, but the difference is that I can pretend someone is and continue to vomit words into the digital sphere without seeing the withering looks of disdain and irritation.

If I don’t have to worry about a stray under-16 wandering past a screen and seeing anything I’ve written then maybe I’ll sleep just a little better at night.