Am I too old for this?

We went to Alton Towers today – partly to celebrate the occasion of my recent birthday, and partly to see whether we had in the recent in-between times become far too old to go to theme parks.

It’s bad enough being in close proximity to that many young people in a day, reminded of their essential fitness and fortitude, the sheer energy they can deploy at a moment’s notice, and the enthusiasm which they are able to direct at a thing they actually enjoy.

Even in the face of a monumentally damp day that didn’t stop gushing down with rain the entire time we were there. Am I too old for theme parks? I was genuinely worried I was going to end up with some variation on trench foot, or at least the advent of some dangerous black mould between my toes that would require periodic application of white vinegar.

There were two particular moments that brought home to me my advancing years – the first was on the rollercoaster Smiler, which is very much like I imagine the experience of being a shoe in a washing machine. There are two pauses in the ride experience, during which I felt an exceeding dizziness, that even in those five seconds before it dissipated I thought might be something I would have to live with for the rest of my life.

The second was on the rollercoaster Galactica, which encases your legs in vast stirrups so that you can be swept up into a prone position and thrown about on your back and front. In the middle of all this throwing I felt the unfortunate side effects of an aggressive strain of gravity, which resulted in a rippling motion along my jawline and the sensation of my entire face trying to slide off my skull and pool around my neck.

In years gone by I would not have flirted with vertigo and my facial features would have stayed in position as I was flung around the delightful Staffordshire scenery. Not too old then, but definitely getting old.