Who can you call?

There are a series of criteria that must be met when deciding whether or not you’re going to call the Ghostbusters.

Is there something strange in the neighbourhood? Is there something weird that don’t look good? Are you seeing things running through your head (actually not sure whether that’s literal or metaphorical)? Is there an invisible man sleeping in your bed (again, not sure how you’d necessarily know. The second verse is significantly weaker than the first now that I look closely)?

If the answer is yes to any of the above, then we can safely assume you should call the Ghosbusters, though presumably they also have their own fairly mature triage system they can follow over the phone just to make sure you’re not wasting their time.

Which is all to say that even the Ghostbusters have a series of measures in place by which you can decide whether they are in fact the answer to your problems. Got a stream of water emerging from the bathroom? Call a plumber. Is your car on fire? Dial 999 (depending on what country you’re in, obviously).

What series of questions do you think need to be asked when Tony Blair is the answer to any of them? The mind boggles that Sir Anthony thinks the man who brought us Gulf War II has any plot worthy of a sequel, but then we do know that Hollywood will commission anything that comes with a faint whiff of nostalgia about it.

Tony Blair ceased to be relevant when he stepped down from office two decades ago, though some cheeky soul might suggest that he was irrelevant long before that, hence the departure. In case you missed it, Tone thinks the solutions to the UK’s issues involve cosying back up to Donald Trump, ditching our net zero ambitions and drilling for oil. Possibly in the North Sea, but maybe everywhere, just in case.

The thing about our ex-PM is that he’s achieved his lifelong dream of becoming a rich old Tory in retirement, the only poor people he glimpses are out of the window on his way to the airport, where he’ll fly to a money saturated petro-autocracy and have the gaul to advise them on… things. Democracy, perhaps, and how to engage with the people.

I’m going to throw in my own suggestions on how to improve the country, if I may, and the first one involves adding to our 2050 net zero targets – because that’s exactly how much I want to hear from retired prime ministers.